to put it bluntly , ed wood would have been proud of this .
a totally ridiculous plot is encompassed with bad humor , hokey drama , zero logic and a crap screenplay .
also , a beautifully anti-climactic ending .
not to say it didn’t look intriguing when i saw the previews .
so much for truth in advertising .
roland emmerich , who’s later ” independence day ” would look like ” the 400 blows ” compared to this , co-writed and directed this inane sci-fi film which uses the cliche of there being some connection between eqypt and aliens .
in a useless opening sequence , men find a stone in 1914 with hieroglyphics on it .
it wouldn’t be till present day ( ’94 ) till they would actually figure it out .
they’re decipherer ?
a slightly-neurotic scientist ( nice twist ) , dr . dan jackson ( james spader , doing his best outside of erotic thrillers and some indy fare ) who’s life sucks so much that people walk out of his lectures after the third word .
why do they use him to decipher what no one else could ?
so there is a hokey ending !
duh !
he figures it out in about a minute .
yea .
and then they get a suicidal colonel or something , ” jack ” o’neill ( kurt russel , with his wyat earp locks in the beginning then a flat-top that would make howie long snap into a fetal position ) .
why a suicidal colonel ?
for the ending !
you’ll get the hang of this .
they open the stargate , a bunch of them go through it with a bomb to blow it up if they find anything bad .
after an overdone special effects thing , they’re . . . inside a goddam pyramid .
so they went to egypt , right ?
wrong .
they’re on another planet that was filmed in egypt .
they discover a cilvilization ruled by ra , the sun god ( the androginous jaye davidson , with a voice modifier to make him sound like barry white with asthma ) , and there are fights , explosions and a kiss between two people .
yea .
also melodrama , stupidity , hokey scenes and a bizarre language .
an anti-climactic ending ends with stupid lines ( ” say hello to king tut , asswhole ! ”
– the quintessential line , lemme tell ya ) and some convenient pesudo-pseudo-pseudo-character development .
by the end , you just wanna go home and watch , i don’t know , the ” outer limits ” or something .
the script’s terrible .
the special effects are okay , but nothing great .
the story’s so weak that it’s almost opaque .
the whole experience just isn’t worth it unless you’re so bored that you’d consider watching a ” full house ” marathon . . . or
this .
i’d pick this , obviously , but still , it’s just not fun at all .
and i can’t wait for it to premier on mst3k .