ex-universal soldier luc has to battle a group of newer-model engineered fighters gone bad .
the review
jean-claude van damme has a one-liner early on in universal soldier : the return , his latest attempt to remain relevant , that sums up this entire movie ; he says ” been there , done that . ”
no film critic could possibly sum up van damme’s recent film choices any better .
while other ageing action stars have wisely moved into other film genres ( schwarzenegger makes as many family comedies as he does action films ) , van damme stubbornly persists in sticking with what used to work for him : martial arts and guns .
this unwillingness or perhaps inability to move into new genres has caused van damme to enter the straight to video world , with legionnaire never seeing the inside of a multiplex .
he joins fellow martial artist/action star steven seagal as they watch their film careers rapidly fizzle away .
universal soldier : the return is truly poor .
the plot is a complete copy of several action films from this decade , specifically terminator 2 : judgement day and the similarly named soldier .
soldier’s kurt russell was an older model super-soldier sent off to retirement when circumstances forced him to battle his successors , for the good of a planet ; schwarzenegger’s terminator in t2 tried to save john connor from a newer model killing machine , the t-1000 ; and jean-claude , a former universal soldier , has to save the planet from the rampage of a group of , you guessed it , newer model soldiers .
considering the poor box office performance of soldier , it’s amazing that this project was ever given the go-ahead .
luc devereaux ( van damme ) was the sole remaining universal soldier ( or unisol for short ) , until he was returned to a normal , if muscular , human form .
in this sequel ( technically the fourth film in the series , following two straight-to-video duds that were ignored here plot-wise ) , luc is now a human trainer/consultant of sorts for the unisol program .
working with dylan cotner ( xander berkeley , who interestingly also appeared in t2 ) , the unisol program has engineered a tougher , fiercer fighting force with the help of super-computer seth .
unfortunately , upon hearing that the program has been axed by the government , seth takes control of his soldiers , killing everyone in the building except for luc , his partner maggie , his daughter hillary and erin , a reporter trapped inside .
the rest of the film involves luc trying to keep them all alive , while beating up a group of near-indestructible soldiers , most notably romeo ( popular wrestler goldberg ) .
there are lots of fights , gun battles , lame plot developments and a noticeable lack of plausibility .
there are so many clich ? s in this film that it is almost painful to watch .
luc gets saddled with the task of saving erin the reporter early on , and in the course of a single night , they go from bickering to falling for each other , to kissing .
erin is a pathetically-written character ; people are getting brutally gunned down all around her , and yet , not only does this not seem to frighten her , but she finds time to remind luc that she ” isn’t leaving without her story ” .
whatever .
other laughable moments include a ) luc going to a strip club to get internet access ( what ? ) and b ) a group of rangers , who after having been given good advice ( luc tells them that their weapons are useless , and shows them a specific gun which should work better ) , choose to go into battle with their useless weapons anyway ( guess who wins the battle ? ) .
not one single scene in universal soldier : the return has any originality to it .
when fuelled by don davis’ loud , driving music score , the film’s many fights become almost passable , but mostly are full of the same ol’ jean-claude moves .
director mic rodgers ( a former stunt co-ordinator ) keeps the action coming at a rapid pace , with only a few token serious moments to be found .
his past work is evident in the many moments when characters are thrown through windows , tossed off of buildings or sent flying through the air thanks to an explosion .
if only jean-claude weren’t getting so old and slow compared to younger martial arts film actors like jet li , rodgers could probably have made a decent action film .
to place the blame squarely at van damme’s feet , however , is an injustice .
i’m not sure that anyone , not even robert deniro or edward norton , could make writers william malone and john fasano’s script sound good .
one particularly painful scene is when erin asks luc how he is so sure that the aforementioned strip club will have internet access .
he cringes , looks down and mutters ” uh . . . uhm . . .
they all do , i saw it on 60 minutes .
eh he he he ” the script’s and indeed the entire film’s only saving grace is goldberg .
he chews up every scene he is in , obviously enjoying his role immensely .
he even gives the film a few laughs , as he mutters things like ” i really don’t like that guy ” every time he fails to kill luc .
sadly , his presence is not enough to turn universal soldier : the return into anything better than a below-average action film that truly deserves to have joined its fellow sequels by going straight-to-video .